From Me to We
I remember the first time I saw the first Sex and the City movie. I was having a girls' night in (Matt was visiting a friend in Maryland), and decided I should take advantage and watch a chick flick. I had seen all the hype about Sex and the City, and though I'd never been a regular watcher of the show (mostly because I didn't have HBO while it was running), I did always enjoy any episodes that I caught. So...I had a night in with the SATC girls. And I bawled the whole way through it. I mean it. I bawled. It was embarrassing. I mean, the whole thing with Big and Carrie - the moment she realized he wasn't showing up at the wedding, my heart broke for her. For this random tv character who I've (obviously) never met, and who I didn't really even "know" like the real fans of the show. And yet...well, let's just say, I was a mess.
One thing she said at some point after that really stuck with me. She told the girls that the wedding got away from her. I remember her saying, "Everything was 'me' and 'my wedding.'" She realized that she'd been spending so much time talking about the wedding and thinking about the wedding and planning the wedding, that she forgot about her relationship. Plus, she was so worried about making it the wedding of her dreams, that she forgot about the fact that it might not be the wedding of Big's dreams. And she thought that that was what scared Big away.
That really stuck with me. Not that I think that Matt wouldn't be happy to let me do pretty much whatever I want, but my dream wedding is one that we plan together. It's one that has aspects that reflect both of us. It's one that incorporates things that he wants and things that I want. I ask for and value his opinion on just about everything, but I also take the reigns on things that he expresses absolutely no interest in, like the flowers.
I've been really careful to talk about it as our wedding, not my wedding. Because that's what I want it to be - OUR big day, not mine. It makes me crazy when people say, "Oh but it's your day..." No! It's not! It's our day, and Matt's thoughts, feelings, and input are important to me. Making him feel included and a part of the day is important to me.
I also make sure that we do things completely un-wedding-related sometimes. A few weeks ago, we spent a weekend at a B&B in the middle of PA wine country. We called it our wedding-free weekend. We spent the whole weekend just enjoying each other's company (and yummy wine) and talking about our marriage and our relationship and our future...but not the wedding. And I have to say, that even though I've had a blast planning this wedding with him, it was a lovely break. We're also planning for the weekend before the wedding to spend the weekend in our own home (rather than going back to Hershey for planning and detailing and stuff) - we even got tickets to see Last Comic Standing at our local theater! When we saw it was coming, we said it would be a great, fun, mindless thing to do before the real wedding craziness sets in.
My whole life before Matt was about what I wanted. But I'm getting married, now, and my decisions affect someone other than me now. And, you know what, I like it that way!