Tuesday, March 15, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 15

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Uh, yeah, I'm gonna be kind of cliche here and say Matt.  And yes, I have tried living without him.  And yes, it was pretty freaking terrible.

So 3 1/2 years into our relationship, things were going pretty well.  We had purchased a house together, and we were starting to talk about marriage.  Everything felt solid and we were totally on the marriage track. 

Then, the Summer of Weddings hit.  In the summer of 2008, we were invited to 11 weddings.  That's right.  Eleven.  One of them was my sister's, and I was her Maid of Honor.  I put my heart and soul into helping her plan her wedding.  [Not more than a little bit because I was slightly jealous that she was getting married first]  I talked about it a lot.  And at every wedding we went to, I caught myself saying things like "I would love to do this at my wedding!" or "Ew, there is no way I'm doing that at  my wedding."  All summer.  From April through July.  Well, really through September.  But we didn't quite make it that far.

I think all the wedding pressure started getting to Matt.  Plus, he'd told me one night that he planned to propose by the end of the year, but not until after my sister's wedding (something about stolen thunder?).  Well, Callie's wedding came, rocked, and went.  And suddenly, he felt like he was on borrowed time.  At least, that's what I think. 

At some point, his brother ran into his (Matt's) ex-girlfriend at the beach.  He told her to call Matt and gave her his number.  [Yeah, don't think I didn't consider kicking his ass for that!]  I guess they started texting and he got kind of swept up in it.  Unbeknownst to me, they carried on a bit of a phone affair for about a month.  I'd noticed he was distant.  And that he was on his phone a lot more than usual.  When we were in South Carolina for a friend's wedding/vacation, he was so not with me.  He would disappear for 30-minute stretches, saying he wanted to take a walk or whatever.  Come to find out, he was on the phone with her. 

I found out two days after we got home from our trip.  His phone was going crazy one morning while he was in the shower, and well, my curiosity and my gut got the best of me.  I looked.  It was from a girl named Laura.  I started reading all of them.  My heart shattered.  I ran out the door and spent the day crying in random offices and closets at work.

Long story short, he didn't know what he wanted - me, her, single-status.  I moved out. It took about 2 months for him to realize that I was the best thing that would ever happen to him (ha!).  But those 2 months were absolutely horrible.  Food didn't taste right.  I didn't laugh as much.  I couldn't concentrate at work and my performance suffered.  The world seemed dark and dull. 

But he came back to me.  Laura had come and gone but his heart always stayed with me.  [I totally knew it!]  Slowly but surely, we rebuilt our relationship.  We reestablished the broken trust.  We re-fell in love.  I stayed in my apartment for the year lease, and when I moved back in, it was one of the happiest days ever.  3 months later, he proposed. 

Living without Matt was not cool, you guys.  I don't ever want to do it again.  And please, don't judge - I forgave him because I know that cheating is not in his heart.  It's not his nature.  And I knew that all along.  And that's why I kept on loving him.  And that's why I will always love him. 

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