Tuesday, March 8, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I've been pretty lucky.  Or maybe smart.  I don't know.  But whatever the case, I haven't had too much experience with being treated like shit.  Thank God.  Cuz the few times I have, man, did it totally suck ass.

The biggest one coming to mind is my ex-boyfriend, Doug (names have not been changed because the not-so-innocent should receive no protection).  I know, I know - how cliche and predictable, an ex-boyfriend treated me like crap.  Hence the "ex" part.  But this went on for years and years, partially because I didn't care about or respect myself enough to stop it.  But mostly because he was a gigantic ass.

We met in college.  He was a social work major, also, and since that was a pretty tiny major in my college, we all got to be pretty close.  Right off the bat, Doug and I flirted.  Hard.  When it came time for group projects, we gravitated to each other immediately.  We studied together, wrote papers together, etc.  It wasn't long before we were sleeping together.  We had so much fun together, and could talk to each other about everything.  I was totally convinced that I was in love with Doug. 

Sounds great, huh?  Small tiny issue.  He had a girlfriend.  I knew it.  I knew it before we started sleeping together.  I also knew that I wasn't the only "other woman."  There were at least 2 others.  Somehow that made it ok to me to let him cheat on his girlfriend.  Only I was totally convinced that he was falling for me, too, and that eventually he'd leave his girlfriend, drop the other two girls, and be with just  me.  Like I said, I had absolutely no self-respect. 

This went on for a long time.  Longer than I care to admit.  Ok, I'll admit it - 2 years.  We went on road trips together.  He met my family.  When 9/11 hit, he thought he was going to get shipped out (he was in the reserves), we cried together.  But he never stopped seeing those other girls.  He and his girlfriend did break up, and things kind of intensified between us, but not for long.  I tried keeping a brave face, acting like I didn't care, like I was just in it for fun.  But everyone around me knew it was a blatant lie.  Hell, Doug knew it was a blatant lie.  But he kept pursuing me.  And he kept using me.  And I kept letting him.  For two.fucking.years.

Finally, I grew up and realized that I wasn't getting anywhere with this.  I stopped speaking to him.  That lasted about a year.  I went to grad school (to the school that we were supposed to go to together, by the way).  Right before I graduated, he started calling.  Like the glutton for punishment I was when it came to him, I answered.  Big dummy.  He sweet-talked his way right back into my heart.  He was single.  Really single.  And hadn't stopped thinking about me.  We started hanging out again.  We started dating.  We dated for about 3 months or so (a month of which I was in Europe).  He told me that he knew he was going to marry me.  He'd known it all along, he just needed to grow up.  I was blissfully happy.

Then he went to a wedding.  He wanted to take me but he'd already RSVP'd as one, and he offered to call the bride and ask her to add me, but I said no (even in the throes of an obsessive love, I was not a rude wedding guest!) and said "have a good time, call me when you get home."  He did.  His ex was there.  They talked.  He told her about me.  She wasn't surprised.  Then he started flaking out.  Not returning phone calls.  Cancelling dates.  I knew what it meant.  I was devastated.  Finally, he sent me a text message and said "You deserve better than me."  Yup, he broke up with me.  In a text message.  I feel like that's so worse than Carrie's post-it note break-up. 

A month went by with us not talking.  Then he IM'd me.  He missed me.  And I fell for it.  Big dummy.  He invited me to his house to hang out.  We slept together.  I left.  I never heard from him again.  I was absolutely destroyed.  Over all the years, through all the bullshit, I still believed that we were going to get married.  I was a fool.  And he took total advantage of it. 

2 months later I met Matt.  I haven't looked back since.  I haven't heard from Doug since.  I saw him, once, at a brewers fest in Harrisburg.  He didn't see me.  I wanted to keep it that way.  Every now and then, I do wonder what he's up to.  I wonder if he finally settled down.  I wonder if he's a successful lawyer.  But I have no desire to bring him back into my life.  He was an ass.  He treated me terribly.  But the worst part was that I let him.  Which makes me hate him even more. 

Whew.  That was kind of long-winded.  Stupid boys.


  1. Wow, what a jerk. Everyone makes stupid mistakes and luckily you have moved on & found your love.
    Props to you for posting about this, though, it takes a lot of guts to post about something so personal!

  2. Ugh, what a jerk. But you learned from it and that is the most important thing.

    There's a quote from a book I love that perfectly sums it up, for me anyway: "There are people we treat wrong, and later, we're prepared to treat other people right. Perhaps this sounds mercenary, but I feel grateful for these trial relationships, and I would like to think it all evens out - surely, unknowingly, I have served as practice for other people." -Prep