Idle Bridal Thoughts

Money!

Everytime I say the word "money" with any sort of exclamation, it makes me think of this video, which always makes me laugh till I cry. 



So. Funny.  The one girl's "dance" methods are hilarious. 

Anyway, back to some more serious-ness.  Deciding what to do with your money once you're married is a big decision for most couples, and I think for many people it can be a rather uncomfortable conversation to have.  Not so for me and Matt, but I understand how it could be.  Money has never been something I've liked talking about, but we eased our way into these discussions so it has gone relatively smoothly.

What works for some people doesn't work for others.  I know many people who have joint checking accounts with their husbands, and many others who keep everything separate.  I am a firm believer that a woman should have her own money.  Not for the purpose of keeping secrets or hiding things from him, but rather for the purpose that if anything should ever happen, I'll have access to money if/when I need it.  Matt agrees with this.  He is supportive of me keeping my own money to do with whatever I choose.  But we also both agreed that saving is important.  For our future, for our future kids, for vacations, for emergencies...

We've also been living together for several years now and have our bills and mortgage payments down to a pretty good science.  We split the mortgage 50/50, and the same with the bills.  I write him a check for my 1/2 of the mortgage in the middle of the month, and my 1/2 of the bills at the end of the month.  It sounds convoluted and like there is a lot of money changing hands, but it's what works for us.  And this way I can keep track of my money and decide how much I can afford for other bills of my own (credit card and student loans) and how much I can sock into savings.  We are [basically] planning to keep this same system. 

But we are joining our savings accounts.  Actually, he is closing his and transferring his money to my savings, and I'll add him as a joint holder.  My savings account gets significantly better interest rates than his does, so that's why we chose mine.  Each of us will contribute whatever we can towards our savings per month, with a minimum contribution that we've agreed on.  We both typically end up putting in more every month, but we agreed that holding ourselves to a minimum amount was important.  Once kids come into the picture, we will open an additional savings account for future college tuition.  My parents did this for me and my sister, and we were both able to finish college debt-free (my afore-mentioned student loans are from grad school), so it is very important to me to do this for our children. 

We will continue to reevaluate this system to make sure it continues to be the right thing for us.  But for now, this is what works for us individually and as a couple.

Idle Bridal Thoughts...

Wills and Living Wills

Ok, not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but with weddings comes marriage, and with marriage comes serious stuff - finances, wills, sharing sinks, etc. So I'm going to delve into the whole wills thing for a minute. I know, depressing, right? But somebody's gotta do it, and it may as well be me.

So. Wills. Yes, we're only 31 and 33. Yes, we have more debt than we do assets (thank you, student loans!). But we both have life insurance policies, we own a house together, and we have a fair amount of money in savings. The powers that be will need to know what to do with that if/when something should ever happen to one of us. No, it's not a pleasant conversation to have. But it's a necessary one. One of my bridesmaids lost her husband (at the age of 35) to a massive heart attack just a few years into their marriage. Their son was 6 months old. He had no will. Nothing to direct who was supposed to get what. That was 4 years ago. There are still accounts that she can't access because he didn't declare that she should have the right to do so. 4 years later. I do not want this to happen to us. So, yeah, we need to sit down and figure this whole thing out.

The other part of this conversation is the living wills. What should your SO do if you're ever in the hospital and unable to speak for yourself? What are you wishes as far as medical treatment is concerned? As a hospital social worker, I assure you, this is extremely important. The last thing that anyone wants is to be fighting with the doctors (or worse, other family members) about what should and should not be done. Figure out what you want, state it clearly, get it in writing, and make sure everyone knows where to find it. In the state of Pennsylvania, it is not absolutely necessary to have this written up by a lawyer, nor is it necessary to have it notarized. It just makes it "more official" if these things are done. But as long as it's in writing and signed by you, it's good enough. State laws vary on this, though, so be sure to check into your own.

Decisions that have to be made include things like whether you want chest compressions, artificial feeding/hydration, dialysis, mechanical ventilation...it's a lot, and it's some really rough decisions to make. But if you sit down with your SO and talk it out, I promise you that it'll make any future hospital visits that much easier for him/her. If you assign your SO as your power of attorney, please make sure that they are aware of your wishes. I've had too many situations where the power of attorney was either not aware or didn't follow the patient's wishes, and once the patient was competent again, they were none too pleased to find out they received treatment they didn't want. There are a lot of great resources out there about advance directives. When speaking to patients and families about advance directives, we often us the Five Wishes booklet; it's a great guide written in non-doctor, non-lawyer speak.  It's legal in all states, and tells you if you live in a state where it needs to be notarized.

As I said, I know it's a morbid subject, but it's one that must be discussed in order to make hard decisions easier to make. Nothing is sadder than watching someone struggle with making a decision about treatment for a sick loved one when it could have already been made for them. It eases the burden for your SO and family. So please, take some time to talk this through with your SO, even if it feels totally out of place as a young, engaged or newly married couple. Yes, it is that important.

Idle Bridal Thoughts

From Me to We

I remember the first time I saw the first Sex and the City movie. I was having a girls' night in (Matt was visiting a friend in Maryland), and decided I should take advantage and watch a chick flick. I had seen all the hype about Sex and the City, and though I'd never been a regular watcher of the show (mostly because I didn't have HBO while it was running), I did always enjoy any episodes that I caught. So...I had a night in with the SATC girls. And I bawled the whole way through it. I mean it. I bawled. It was embarrassing. I mean, the whole thing with Big and Carrie - the moment she realized he wasn't showing up at the wedding, my heart broke for her. For this random tv character who I've (obviously) never met, and who I didn't really even "know" like the real fans of the show. And yet...well, let's just say, I was a mess.

One thing she said at some point after that really stuck with me. She told the girls that the wedding got away from her. I remember her saying, "Everything was 'me' and 'my wedding.'" She realized that she'd been spending so much time talking about the wedding and thinking about the wedding and planning the wedding, that she forgot about her relationship. Plus, she was so worried about making it the wedding of her dreams, that she forgot about the fact that it might not be the wedding of Big's dreams. And she thought that that was what scared Big away.

That really stuck with me. Not that I think that Matt wouldn't be happy to let me do pretty much whatever I want, but my dream wedding is one that we plan together. It's one that has aspects that reflect both of us. It's one that incorporates things that he wants and things that I want. I ask for and value his opinion on just about everything, but I also take the reigns on things that he expresses absolutely no interest in, like the flowers.

I've been really careful to talk about it as our wedding, not my wedding. Because that's what I want it to be - OUR big day, not mine. It makes me crazy when people say, "Oh but it's your day..." No! It's not! It's our day, and Matt's thoughts, feelings, and input are important to me. Making him feel included and a part of the day is important to me.

I also make sure that we do things completely un-wedding-related sometimes. A few weeks ago, we spent a weekend at a B&B in the middle of PA wine country. We called it our wedding-free weekend. We spent the whole weekend just enjoying each other's company (and yummy wine) and talking about our marriage and our relationship and our future...but not the wedding. And I have to say, that even though I've had a blast planning this wedding with him, it was a lovely break. We're also planning for the weekend before the wedding to spend the weekend in our own home (rather than going back to Hershey for planning and detailing and stuff) - we even got tickets to see Last Comic Standing at our local theater! When we saw it was coming, we said it would be a great, fun, mindless thing to do before the real wedding craziness sets in.

My whole life before Matt was about what I wanted. But I'm getting married, now, and my decisions affect someone other than me now. And, you know what, I like it that way!

Idle Bridal Thoughts

Losing Weight

Like most brides out there, I've started a workout routine for the wedding. I don't necessarily need/want to lose weight. I just want to tone up. I want to look slim and tight on our wedding day. I want to look hot in my bikini on our honeymoon.

Matt and I joined a gym near the house a few months ago. It's a great gym - they have plenty of equipment, classes, a huge weight room...and, as an added bonus, we get a free round of golf each month!

Sounds great, right? Yeah, there's only one slight problem. I hate working out. Like, with a passion. I used to tell people that working out is against my religion. And it's funny to me that I'm so anti-working out. I exercised a lot when I was younger. I was a cheerleader all through high school, which consisted of running a mile and doing about 100 crunches and pushups every day, before practice. I also took tap for 12 years. And I was a synchonized swimmer for 10 years, which meant that we did 20 minutes of deck warm-up, then swam about 10-20 laps, and then started choreographing/learning/practicing our routines. Tie all of that together and I was in fantastic shape...and I didn't mind it (too much!). Now? The thought of going to the gym, well, it's like telling me my eyes are going to get dug out my skull with a spoon. So. Not. Fun.

Say You: Ok, so why not take a dance class? Or join a gym with a pool so you can swim?
Say Me: Dance classes won't work - they're too expensive and I don't have a car to drive to a dance studio. And while Matt worked at LA Fitness and I could in free, I tried the whole pool thing. Still not enough motivation. Plus, now it would cost me money, and I'd need a car, and...well, see above excuse.
Say You: Wow, you are lazy. And full of excuses...

I know! It's awful. I hear myself saying all of this and I'm like, "Geez, woman...get over it!" But I can't. I don't know what it is about working out, in a gym, with people around, that I dislike so much.

Nonetheless, I did join this little gym near our house. I try to go 3 times a week. Sometimes I get on a roll and go 4 times a week. Last week, I was feeling really great and I went 3 times plus I went for a run around the neighborhood on Saturday! I went into this week thinking, "Ok, now if I can keep that momentum up, I'll get into a routine and hopefully it won't be so hard!" No dice. Haven't gone yet. And it's Thursday.

The funny thing is, when I do go, I feel great. I feel like I accomplished something. I have more energy. As an added bonus, I've noticed that I get fewer migraines when I work out fairly regularly. I try to remind myself of that when my alarm goes off at 5am and I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes it works. Sometimes...not so much.

On the upside, I still get a pretty fair amount of exercise in, even when I don't go to the gym. I take the train to work, and have to walk 8 blocks from the train station to the hospital, and 8 blocks back in the afternoon. And, sans car, I have to walk home from the train station every evening, which is a full mile. So, every day, I walk almost 2 miles. And I wear those Sketchers Shape-Ups shoes [well, I used to - now that it's summer, I'm all flip-flops, all the time] So, needless to say, I get pretty good exercise on a daily basis as it is. I (usually) eat pretty well - balanced meals, appropriate portions. I try to avoid snacking, especially after 9pm. I'm going to also cut beer out of my diet. At least, a little bit. I love beer, so this one may actually be kind of hard for me. Not that I'm a booze-hound, sucking back a six-pack a night. But on weekends, and the occasional weeknight, I do like to enjoy a few yummy beers. One of our favorite things to do is go through the distributor and pick out a new case of beer that we haven't tried yet. But, I'm going (try) to cut down on that until the wedding.

My goal isn't really to lose much weight. I think my weight is a pretty good number. I really just want to tone and tighten. I'd like to be able to wave to people from the trolley and not have my arm keep going after I've stopped. I'd like my arms to look toned in my wedding dress. I'd like my legs to keep me on the dance floor all night long. I'd like my butt and stomach to look flat and tight in my bikini on our honeymoon.

I'm trying. I really am. But I'm finding it to be a bigger struggle than even I thought it would be. But I'm getting there. People around me have started noticing that my body is changing a little bit. So even though I don't see it (because, really, when do women ever see good changes in their body?), other people are, and that feels good. And I feel better about myself. And hopefully, even if I don't end up with perfectly toned abs and tight thighs and non-wiggly arms, maybe feeling good about myself will be enough.