No, I'm Not Pregnant

Just fat.  But thanks for pointing out my gut. 

I've stopped making excuses to people.  Arguing with them.  I've just started responding that way when they look at my stomach and ask if I'm pregnant.  "Nope, just fat.  But thanks for pointing it out!" 

from google

Look, I am well aware of the fact that I have gained weight.  And that the bulk of that weight is sitting right at my gut.  I am aware that wearing babydoll-style shirts and flouncy maxi dresses also contributes to the appearance of being pregnant.  But I like that style shirt, and I've been wearing flouncy maxi dresses since before Nicole Richie made them cool again.  They are comfortable.  Especially in 90+-degree heat.  And especially now, when I am feeling too self-conscious about my gut to wear the more form-fitting clothes I have worn in the past. 

But I'm not pregnant.  And even if I am, it's not any of your business.  Until I decide to make it your business.  Which I haven't.  Cuz I'm not.

So let's stop talking about how I "look" pregnant.  Cuz all you're really saying is, "Wow, you have a stomach that's pushed out further than normal and we're taking notice!"  Which in turn means, "Hey, Fatty, nice gut."  It really doesn't make me feel good.

I have never been one to believe in "dieting."  It has always been easy for me to alter the way I eat (portion control, healthier foods, etc) and drop weight without much other effort.  Obviously, my body is older and my hormones are different and things have changed.  I need to put more effort into it.  So I've been working out.  I just started the 30 Day Shred, and am hoping that that gets me results.  But I'm only 2 days in.  So right now, I still have a gut and flabby butt and floppy arms.  Can we not discuss it and analyze it to death?   Seriously, I'm sitting at work right now, and I feel like I could cry.  I just walked away from a discussion between 3 nurses about how they all think I'm pregnant.  After a few "Nope, I'm just fat!" comments from me, with a hope that they'd get the point that they're hurting my feelings, I had to walk away.  How do you respond to that? 

Since when is it appropriate or socially acceptable to so openly discuss a woman's body?  Or a woman's choice to bear (or not bear) children?  One of the nurses actually had the audacity to ask me if I would be upset if I was pregnant.  After telling me that I was pregnant and me denying that "fact," she had the nerve to say to me, "But you wouldn't be upset if you were pregnant, would you?"  Like that would be the worst thing in the world.  Maybe I would!  Maybe I don't want to be pregnant.  But how is that any of her business?  Since when do I need to discuss my desire/ability/readiness to have children with her?

I'm absolutely appalled by the audacity of these women.  I would never dream of asking a woman if she was pregnant if I was absolutely 100% sure that she was.  And if I was so rude as to ask that of a woman who then tells me she's not pregnant, I would certainly not continue discussing the matter and insisting that she was!  Who does that?  In what way is that ok?

I am already terribly self-conscious about the weight I've gained.  Having people discuss it doesn't help.  I wish it were as happy an occasion as me being pregnant.  But unfortunately, it's just as simple as me gaining weight.  So let's move on, please.  You are not helping my already delfated self image. 

Weighty Issues

You guys.  This is kind of weird territory for me.  I don't usually like to address weight concerns or body image issues, but....this is seriously getting tough for me.  Since the wedding (in fact, since a week or so before the wedding), I have been steadily gaining weight.  Not much, but enough that I notice when I look in the mirror, my pants are not quite fitting correctly, and I feel extra sluggish.  It's probably been a total of 6-8 pounds, but on my small frame, that feels like a lot.

I'm not sure what initially contributed to the weight gain before the wedding.  Probably stress.  I'm usually a stress-starver, but recently have noticed that I'm stress-eating.  Neither one is good, but given the direction my job is taking, stress-eating could end up really hurting me.

In the days leading up to and immediately following the wedding, it's simple: good food was everywhere and readily available.  Two days before the wedding, my parents had a small party - lots of food and booze.  Then there was rehearsal dinner.  Then the wedding day - I made sure to eat plenty throughout the day, in fear that I wouldn't get to eat at the wedding.  Big mistake.  I should've known that David would make sure that Matt and I sat and ate most if not all of our meals.  So on our weddnig day, I had an egg and cheese bagel and coffee for breakfast, then some trail mix, then 2 big pieces of stromboli for lunch.  Then our enormous wedding meal - salad, steak, potatoes, asparagus, and, of course, cake.  Oh, and more booze.  The next day, another party at my parents' house.  Two days later, we were on the honeymoon.  Open bar and pretty much all-you-can eat.  Yeah...I was not looking as good in my bikini at the end of the trip as I was on our first day or so.  I thought it was just bloat.  And the fact that I couldn't really "go" the whole time we were there.  [I know, I know...that is a whole other issue in itself!]  But once we got home and things got back to normal, it was like I had stretched my stomach and now neede dmore and more food to feel full.  Then it was the holidays.  Thanksgiving.  Christmas.  New Year's.  I think every single one of our vendors at work brought us cookies and candies.  Junk food was available all the time.  And I simply couldn't say no.

I'm trying now.  I'm making myself salads for lunch.  Eating protein bars for breakfast.  Trying to make dinners with smaller portions.  And yet, I'm not dropping weight.

Ok, what about exercise?  Well, here is another noticeable problem.  Prior to the wedding, we had only one car.  I take the train to work.  So in the morning, Matt would drop me off, I'd take the train, then walk 8 blocks from the train station and back in the afternoon.  Then I would walk home from the train station at home.  It was a mile walk.  Not a strenuous walk, but a mile.  All told, I walked 2.5 miles a day - about 45 minutes.  But in December, we bought a second car.  So now I drive myself to and from the train station.  Shave about a mile off my exercise.  That hurts.

I belong to a gym.  I haven't been there since the wedding.  I used to have to go in the mornings, so that I could use Matt's car to get me there before he got up.  Once we started talking about buying a car, I said I'd just wait until then so I could go after work, cuz I hated having to get up at 5am.  Then we bought the car.  But then I was busy cooking and cleaning for Christmas parties, shopping for Christmas gifts, wrapping Christmas gifts, eating Christmas food....lots of terrible excuses.  Then it was, "I'll start after the New Year."

Well, here we are, 3 weeks into the New Year.  Haven't been to the gym once.  I'm going tonight.  I decided that I needed a class to help get me motivated.  Our gym just put out a new schedule, and they have a Yoga class on Tuesday nights.  Not only will it help motivate me to get back into a routine, but it'll also help with the newly-added stress at work.  At least, I hope.

As I said, I'm not usually one to obsess about my weight.  But lately I have been feeling pretty low about it.  Especially after one of my coworkers told me, "Oh, I'd noticed your little baby bump since you got back from the honeymoon!"  Yeah.  After picking my jaw off the floor (and restraining myself from smacking the shit out of her), I walked back into my office and cried.  I don't like to address weight issues because I think that having a healthy body image is super important.  I worry about people who count calories and exercise cumpulsively.  I guess maybe that stems from having had 2 roommates with anorexia.  And really, for me, it's not that I'm worried about how I look.  It's more about how I feel.  Like I said, 6-8 extra pounds on my 5'3" feels like a lot of weight.  I feel sluggish and my body just feels....I don't know, out of proportion.  I just feel off, and I want that feeling to go away.

So I'm hoping that if I keep doing what I've started (and start doing more), I'll start to shed that extra weight.  I'll continue to eat better.  Drink more water.  Get back to the gym.  Use the balance ball my dad got me for Christmas.

I'll keep you posted...

Officially Stressed

Ok.  I'm there now.  The Stress Zone.  Little things are built up in my head to be big things.  Sleep is a distant memory.  And here's a funny one: I usually under-eat when I'm stressed, but it seems that wedding stress is causing me to put anything I can find in my mouth (mind out of the gutter, you!).  So when I got on the scale this morning and had GAINED weight, I lost it.  I cried the whole way to the gym, and then proceeded to run for 25 minutes straight - a personal record.  [Yes, I am completely aware at how pathetic 25 minutes is to many of you, but for me, that's freaking awesome.  Remember?  Exercise is against my religion.]  That was kind of cathartic, though.  I plan to do it again tomorrow, hopefully Thursday I'll be able to squeeze something in (not likely, but hopefully), and I plan to bring some workout clothes home in case I'm really not sleeping and think a run would help ease the tension.


My phone rings and my heart starts to beat furiously.  What went wrong?  Who's not coming?  Which vendor isn't showing up?  Why can't people leave me alone?! 


I am off work starting Thursday.  Here is what Thursday looks like for me:  I have to get up early to drive Matt to work so that I'll have the car (I sold mine 2 years ago to save money).  Then I have to drive back home (Matt works 45 minutes from home), pick up the pretzels and TastyCakes for the OOTs, finish packing, double-and-triple check the packing, set timers for the lights in the house, complete/print the day-of timelines, complete/print the contact lists, go pick Matt up at work, drive to Hershey, drop off stuff at my mom's, go for final fitting, pick up my boudoir album from Megan, go back home, enjoy dinner/socializing with various members of the family, put together the OOTs, wrap the bridesmaids gifts, and wrap Matt's gift.


Friday: Get up at 7:30, eat breakfast, drive out to Camp Hill (45 minutes) to drop my Grandma's ring off at JDK because like a dummy I forgot to give it to David at our last meeting, drive back to Hershey, drop off the OOTs at the hotel, go home, eat, go to the Spa, relax and get pampered for 3 hours (ahhhh....), go home, shower and get ready for rehearsal dinner, rehearse, eat, shmooze with our friends/family who join us for drinks, get to bed at a somewhat-normal hour and try to sleep!


Yup...busy couple of days.  I am running a constant loop in my head of timelines, project deadlines, errands to run, people to see, food to eat (and not eat), and packing lists.  You know how on DVR you can press the "skip" button and jump ahead a few minutes in whatever program you're watching?  I want to do that.  I want to just skip straight to Saturday at 4:30pm. 


Not to mention that work is crazy right now, and I have a feeling that I am going to leave my floor looking like a total nightmare for whoever is going to have to cover for me the next 2 1/2 weeks.  I don't like that feeling.  I usually try to clean up all the loose ends before I go away on vacation, but things have been absolutely nightmarish with a bazillion placements and difficult cases and nasty families, and I hate the idea of dumping all of that on whatever poor soul will have to deal with it for me.

Idle Bridal Thoughts

Losing Weight

Like most brides out there, I've started a workout routine for the wedding. I don't necessarily need/want to lose weight. I just want to tone up. I want to look slim and tight on our wedding day. I want to look hot in my bikini on our honeymoon.

Matt and I joined a gym near the house a few months ago. It's a great gym - they have plenty of equipment, classes, a huge weight room...and, as an added bonus, we get a free round of golf each month!

Sounds great, right? Yeah, there's only one slight problem. I hate working out. Like, with a passion. I used to tell people that working out is against my religion. And it's funny to me that I'm so anti-working out. I exercised a lot when I was younger. I was a cheerleader all through high school, which consisted of running a mile and doing about 100 crunches and pushups every day, before practice. I also took tap for 12 years. And I was a synchonized swimmer for 10 years, which meant that we did 20 minutes of deck warm-up, then swam about 10-20 laps, and then started choreographing/learning/practicing our routines. Tie all of that together and I was in fantastic shape...and I didn't mind it (too much!). Now? The thought of going to the gym, well, it's like telling me my eyes are going to get dug out my skull with a spoon. So. Not. Fun.

Say You: Ok, so why not take a dance class? Or join a gym with a pool so you can swim?
Say Me: Dance classes won't work - they're too expensive and I don't have a car to drive to a dance studio. And while Matt worked at LA Fitness and I could in free, I tried the whole pool thing. Still not enough motivation. Plus, now it would cost me money, and I'd need a car, and...well, see above excuse.
Say You: Wow, you are lazy. And full of excuses...

I know! It's awful. I hear myself saying all of this and I'm like, "Geez, woman...get over it!" But I can't. I don't know what it is about working out, in a gym, with people around, that I dislike so much.

Nonetheless, I did join this little gym near our house. I try to go 3 times a week. Sometimes I get on a roll and go 4 times a week. Last week, I was feeling really great and I went 3 times plus I went for a run around the neighborhood on Saturday! I went into this week thinking, "Ok, now if I can keep that momentum up, I'll get into a routine and hopefully it won't be so hard!" No dice. Haven't gone yet. And it's Thursday.

The funny thing is, when I do go, I feel great. I feel like I accomplished something. I have more energy. As an added bonus, I've noticed that I get fewer migraines when I work out fairly regularly. I try to remind myself of that when my alarm goes off at 5am and I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes it works. Sometimes...not so much.

On the upside, I still get a pretty fair amount of exercise in, even when I don't go to the gym. I take the train to work, and have to walk 8 blocks from the train station to the hospital, and 8 blocks back in the afternoon. And, sans car, I have to walk home from the train station every evening, which is a full mile. So, every day, I walk almost 2 miles. And I wear those Sketchers Shape-Ups shoes [well, I used to - now that it's summer, I'm all flip-flops, all the time] So, needless to say, I get pretty good exercise on a daily basis as it is. I (usually) eat pretty well - balanced meals, appropriate portions. I try to avoid snacking, especially after 9pm. I'm going to also cut beer out of my diet. At least, a little bit. I love beer, so this one may actually be kind of hard for me. Not that I'm a booze-hound, sucking back a six-pack a night. But on weekends, and the occasional weeknight, I do like to enjoy a few yummy beers. One of our favorite things to do is go through the distributor and pick out a new case of beer that we haven't tried yet. But, I'm going (try) to cut down on that until the wedding.

My goal isn't really to lose much weight. I think my weight is a pretty good number. I really just want to tone and tighten. I'd like to be able to wave to people from the trolley and not have my arm keep going after I've stopped. I'd like my arms to look toned in my wedding dress. I'd like my legs to keep me on the dance floor all night long. I'd like my butt and stomach to look flat and tight in my bikini on our honeymoon.

I'm trying. I really am. But I'm finding it to be a bigger struggle than even I thought it would be. But I'm getting there. People around me have started noticing that my body is changing a little bit. So even though I don't see it (because, really, when do women ever see good changes in their body?), other people are, and that feels good. And I feel better about myself. And hopefully, even if I don't end up with perfectly toned abs and tight thighs and non-wiggly arms, maybe feeling good about myself will be enough.