Comparisons

I think that comparing ourselves to others is human nature, don't you?  Comparing houses, cars, salaries, education level, boob size...everybody does it.  Envy is certainly part of that - looking at someone's house and wishing, "I wish mine were that big/nice/clean."  I don't think anyone in the world can honestly say they've never wished for something that someone else has at one point or another.  But hand in hand with that, is also pride.  Pride in looking at someone else's house and thinking, "I'm so glad mine is cozier/cuter/neater." 

But I'm not really talking about things right now.  I'm talking about relationships.  I think that it is also part of our nature to look at other people's relationships and compare ours to theirs.  Better or worse, happier or more strained, everyone has at one time or another watched another couple and thought to themselves, "We/They are so much more/less blank than them/us."  Am I right?  Or are you sitting there wondering what the eff is this girl talking about?

Here's where this is coming from.  I have one friend who is smack in the middle of a rapidly-deteriorating divorce.  It is getting uglier by the minute.  Accusations of abuse are flying around, questions about cheating...it ain't pretty.  This is a couple who started dating in high school and who, for all intents and purposes, seemed like the picture-perfect couple.  They had their problems, of course, but they always seemed to work it out.  Apparently, what seemed to be the situation was not at all the situation, and a Battle Royale has begun.  It's very sad.

I have another friend who is absolutely terrified about the state of her marriage.  Things seem to be unraveling around her, neither she nor her husband seem happy anymore, and it's completely tearing her apart.  And it's actually kind of freaking me out.

You know how you have those couples in your life?  The ones who seem like they're really going to make it.  Who seem completely happy and in love and committed to each other?  That's what this couple is.  Or used to be.  Over the past couple of years, I've noticed things that have made me...uneasy.  I won't go into details, but it's gotten to the point sometimes where Matt and I have talked about it and wondered how things still work for them.  Now I know.  They aren't. 

I feel like I can't help but compare my relationship to theirs.  To make myself feel better?  Maybe.  To better understand what they're going through?  Perhaps.  But as I sat there and listened to my friend tell me all the problems she is having, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Oh thank God, Matt and I don't do that/handle that differently/already have communication about that..."  I found myself later thinking about it and thinking about the ways in which Matt and I do do things better and can do things better.  Is that wrong?  Am I a horrible person to be benefitting from the possible dissolution of my friends' marriage?  Am I terrible that I'm comparing my relationship to theirs and going, "We are better/stronger/happier..."? 

While I always had a feeling that their marriage wasn't perfect, I also always thought they'd make it work.  It always seemed like they were committed to their marriage and would do whatever it took to keep it going.  Now, I'm not so sure.  And as much as I know it's freaking my friend out, it's kind of freaking me out, too.  Is that totally weird?  Is any of this making any sense or am I just randomly ranting?

Marriage

A few weeks ago, when my girlfriends and I got together, it was such an eclectic mix of people in different stages of their lives and relationships.  We had me, the newlywed; my friend Abriel, happily married with a 9-month-old; my friend Mel, divorced from an abusive a-hole with a 6-year-old; my friend Amy, happily married with a 2-year-old and now pregnant with their 2nd; my friend Nicole, widowed with a 5-year-old; and my friend Tina, going through an ugly and painful divorce with a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old [wow, really??].  Seriously - we represented almost every single life stage for a 30-something woman.  The only one not represented was the unmarried, childless woman.  And now that I think about it, I don't actually think that exists anywhere in my circle of friends!  Wow, we are getting old!

Nicole's husband died 2 years into their marriage, when their son was 6 months old.  She obviously still mourns him, but is moving on and looking for new love.  Mel is in a relationship with a guy who seems to treat her well.  Her ex-husband seems to have finally grown up a bit.  But Tina is (understandably) miserable and unhappy.  And she's not exactly a huge believer in marriage at the moment.  So when everyone was asking me about how married life was, I felt a little bit guilty being all "Oh it's just so wonderful and I'm so happy and I love my husband and he's the best thing in the entire world."  So I just said "It's great!" and moved on.  But later, when it was just me and Abriel and her mom (who is, hands down, one of my favorite people in the world), I admitted my true feelings: I've never been happier.  When we first got married, and people asked if I felt different or if anything had changed, it seemed so silly.  We'd lived together for 4 years already.  Why would anything feel different?  But now I realize that it does.  It has changed.  I can't quite put my finger on how or why, but it has.  My heart just bursts when I think about how being married to Matt makes me feel.  We talk about our future in such real and concrete ways.  We support each other.  We encourage each other.  We reassure each other.  And we love each other.

Sometimes, I look at my husband and I'm just overwhelmed.  I've heard from so many people that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  Granted, we've only been through 9 months so far.  But if it's true that the first year is the hardest, then we are gonna sail along beautifully for the rest of our lives.  And I can't wait.  For whatever comes.

Making a Statement...Subtly

There are a lot of causes that I support.  The Multiple Sclerosis Society, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and Shriners Hospitals for Children are my top 3.  I donate money to each of them through a paycheck deduction with every paycheck.  I donate used clothing and home goods to the Purple Heart Foundation a few times a year, as well.  I also donate to random causes throughout that year that catch my attention. 

One of those random causes recently has been White Knot for Equality in support of marriage equality.  I have gay and lesbian friends who don't get to get married.  Even though they are in longterm, committed, loving relationships.  This saddens me.  So I support White Knot for Equality.  I support the Ban on Prop 8.  When it was overturned by the courts in California, I was elated.  I might have cried.

I wanted to find some way to tie (ha!) this into our wedding.  I asked Matt about having a bowl of the white knot pins sitting on the table with our escort cards for people take one if they choose.  Matt was kind of...concerned.  And honestly, I'm not surprised.  This subject is a touchy one.  I've gotten into debates about it already with people (once at our Super Bowl party, nonetheless).  Matt doesn't want to bring politics into our wedding day or increase the risk of some sort of awkward stand-off between guests.  He doesn't want someone to feel cornered when they're approached and asked, "Why aren't you wearing a knot?"  And I totally see his point. 

But it's still important enough to me that I want to recognize and stand in some solidarity with my friends.  So I will be pinning a small white knot somewhere on my dress.

(source)

I haven't decided where yet.  I am also going to tie the OOTs shut with a white knot.  I'll know what it means, but probably 90% of our guests will just think the bag was tied shut to make it easier to transport.  If someone asks me about it, I will proudly tell them.  But I'm not going to force it down their throats.  I think it's a way to acknowledge the cause without forcing it into people's consciousness for the day.

Idle Bridal Thoughts

From Me to We

I remember the first time I saw the first Sex and the City movie. I was having a girls' night in (Matt was visiting a friend in Maryland), and decided I should take advantage and watch a chick flick. I had seen all the hype about Sex and the City, and though I'd never been a regular watcher of the show (mostly because I didn't have HBO while it was running), I did always enjoy any episodes that I caught. So...I had a night in with the SATC girls. And I bawled the whole way through it. I mean it. I bawled. It was embarrassing. I mean, the whole thing with Big and Carrie - the moment she realized he wasn't showing up at the wedding, my heart broke for her. For this random tv character who I've (obviously) never met, and who I didn't really even "know" like the real fans of the show. And yet...well, let's just say, I was a mess.

One thing she said at some point after that really stuck with me. She told the girls that the wedding got away from her. I remember her saying, "Everything was 'me' and 'my wedding.'" She realized that she'd been spending so much time talking about the wedding and thinking about the wedding and planning the wedding, that she forgot about her relationship. Plus, she was so worried about making it the wedding of her dreams, that she forgot about the fact that it might not be the wedding of Big's dreams. And she thought that that was what scared Big away.

That really stuck with me. Not that I think that Matt wouldn't be happy to let me do pretty much whatever I want, but my dream wedding is one that we plan together. It's one that has aspects that reflect both of us. It's one that incorporates things that he wants and things that I want. I ask for and value his opinion on just about everything, but I also take the reigns on things that he expresses absolutely no interest in, like the flowers.

I've been really careful to talk about it as our wedding, not my wedding. Because that's what I want it to be - OUR big day, not mine. It makes me crazy when people say, "Oh but it's your day..." No! It's not! It's our day, and Matt's thoughts, feelings, and input are important to me. Making him feel included and a part of the day is important to me.

I also make sure that we do things completely un-wedding-related sometimes. A few weeks ago, we spent a weekend at a B&B in the middle of PA wine country. We called it our wedding-free weekend. We spent the whole weekend just enjoying each other's company (and yummy wine) and talking about our marriage and our relationship and our future...but not the wedding. And I have to say, that even though I've had a blast planning this wedding with him, it was a lovely break. We're also planning for the weekend before the wedding to spend the weekend in our own home (rather than going back to Hershey for planning and detailing and stuff) - we even got tickets to see Last Comic Standing at our local theater! When we saw it was coming, we said it would be a great, fun, mindless thing to do before the real wedding craziness sets in.

My whole life before Matt was about what I wanted. But I'm getting married, now, and my decisions affect someone other than me now. And, you know what, I like it that way!

Holy. Crap.

You guys. There's only 100 days left until our wedding day! *squeee!*

I feel pretty good about our progress. We have finished a lot of our DIY projects, which is hugely awesome. The absolute last thing I want to do is save things for the very last minute. We still have to print, cut out, and assemble the programs; copy the maps for the Out-of-Town bags; print the labels for the Out-of-Town bags; and purchase/assemble the items for the Out-of-Town bags. We should easily be able to get those done by the time the wedding arrives. I have faith.

The boys' clothing is taken care of. My outfit is nearly complete, with the exception of the dreaded shoes. The girls are dressed and have been instructed to accessorize however they choose (within reason, of course - no tiaras, ladies!). Moms have been outfitted, as well. They both found great dresses at killer prices, all without our input. Just picked something off the rack and loved it!

All important vendors are booked. We have our tasting scheduled with David and JDK in August. We have to finalize the ceremony music with the organist, and go over the ceremony details with our Pastor. We have to provide a bit more guidance to the DJ, and schedule a meeting with our photographer to go over the schedule and must-have (and must-leave-out) shots of the day. I have my hair and makeup trial scheduled at the salon. Our bachelor/ette parties are scheduled, although not exactly planned yet.

Everything is really coming together. And it's been so much fun. I keep wondering if I'm missing something. Everyone says that wedding planning is so stressful but...I'm not really feelin it. Maybe because Matt is involved and helpful and supportive. Maybe because my mom is awesome. Or maybe it's just because planning the day that I get to marry my very best friend in the world is just so exciting, I can't get stressed over it. At the end of the day, all I know is that I am marrying the love of my life, and celebrating that marriage with all of our favorite people in the world. And I. Can't. WAIT.

Marriage Inventory

So as part of our getting married at my church, we have to do some premarital meeting with the Pastor. We were both a little worried about how it would go - we've been living together now for 3+ years, we don't regularly attend church, and the Pastor presiding over our wedding barely knows me, and doesn't know Matt at all. But we went to our first meeting with her a couple of weeks ago and it went really well. We want to keep the ceremony as short as possible, and try to keep it from being overly religious. As I've mentioned before, Matt hasn't been to church in years (except for weddings and the last 2 Easters with my family). And I basically only go on holidays. Neither one of us felt like having a lot of religious readings and components to our ceremony would be right (hypocritical, maybe?). So we said as much to Pastor Cindy (not about the non-religious thing, in so many words, but definitely about keeping it short), and she was on board with that. There are certain things that, because we're getting married in the church, have to be a part of the ceremony, but there are other things that can be omitted. One thing I really wanted to make sure of was that we could use a secular reading. I had come across a reading that I really wanted to use, and when I showed it to Pastor Cindy, she thought it was great. So that made us really happy. Anyway, we felt very comfortable with her after our first meeting, and it seems like things are going to work out really well.

Part of the premarital counseling is completing the Marriage Inventory. We just got it in the mail last week, and set aside Wednesday night to complete them, and then Thursday night to discuss them (so we didn't have any big surprises when discussing them with Pastor Cindy!). We both struggled with some of the questions - how to interpret them, how to answer them...that sort of thing. For example, one of the questions was, "My future spouse does not know what I'm like when I am: a) sick, b) angry, c) with children, d) with coworkers..." something along those lines. Well, like I said, Matt and I have been living together for 3+ years. He knows EVERYTHING about me. He's seen me at my best and at my absolute worst (ER-level migraine). So I ended up leaving that one blank. There were other questions like that that just didn't really fit where we are as a couple.

So then Thursday night we sat down and discussed our answers to the questions. For most of them, we were pretty much dead-on. And then ones that we differed on, we mostly agreed about the other person's answer. There were some that will definitely need to be addressed, and I look forward to doing that both between me and Matt, and also with Pastor Cindy. It was nice to see that Matt and I are on the same page with so much of the stuff that the inventory covers. This inventory helped to create an opening for us to talk about everything, including things we hadn't even thought of. As much as we were both kind of dreading it, I think it turned out to be a really helpful tool.