30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

My freshman year of college, I met a group of girls who would become some of the best friends I've ever had.  I roomed with one of my best friends from high school, and very quickly we became friends with the girls next door and across the hall.  We spent countless hours together, the 7 of us.  Countless.  Those memories are some of my favorite memories.  Sitting in the hallway after a night out, bingeing on Nap's pizza sticks, talking about everything under the sun...taking long walks around campus after dinner..."smoking butts" outside the dorm, even in the freezing cold and rain...gathering together to watch "Dawson's Creek" and "90210."  I loved that year.

I became particularly close with one of the girls.  She lived caddy-corner to me, and her roommate was an absolute nightmare.  So she spent a lot of time hanging out with me in my room.  We got really close.  But she had problems.  She had come to school battling anorexia, and though she assured us that it was under control, we knew right off the bat that it wasn't.  We tried to support her as best we could, but we knew there were issues beyond our control.  Even beyond her control.  Anorexia had its hooks in her something fierce.  I worried about her.  I really started worrying about her when she started talking about how it "talked" to her.  There was a voice in her head telling her she was fat, telling her how to eat, telling her to starve herself...  I'm pretty sure she named it, too, though I can't really remember clearly now.  All I remember is that it terrified me.  When it came time to picking roommates and decided where to live our sophomore year, it seemed pretty obvious that she and I would be roommates.  It made the most sense.  But her behavior kept getting stranger and stranger, and it really freaked me out.

So I changed my rooming assignment.  Kind of behind her back.  And just casually "mentioned" it one day on one of our walks.  She cried.  I felt terrible.  She was so upset, she called her mom.  Her mom called me.  I told her mom about her weird behaviors.  Her mom freaked out.  She had no idea it had gotten so bad.  But she yelled at me.  Told me that if I were really worried about her, like I said I was, I'd want to live with her to keep an eye on her.  I didn't feel like that was my responsibility.  I told her as much.  I told her that I love her daughter but I couldn't live with her. 

We stopped speaking.  For a long time.  She transferred out of our college.  At some point, she got treatment.  Like, long-term, inpatient, intense treatment.  From afar, I was really proud of her.  But it took several years before she could forgive me. 

I hated myself for treating her like that.  For going along with what our other friends were telling me, "She's weird;" "She's crazy;" "You're going to get stuck with taking care of her."  It's been almost 15 years and the thought of the hurt I caused her still pains me.  We're friends again, now, and it seems like all is forgiven.  On her end.  I still need to forgive myself, though.