30 Days of Truth - Day 30

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Hello, lovies!  Ok, so I know I skipped yesterday, but I swar I have a good reason.  I was working all day and then went out for birthday drinks with some of my very dear friends.  Sure, I could've done it when I got home but - let's be honest - I didn't really feel like it.  Plus, since today's my actual birthday, I figured it's the perfect day to indulge in a little self-love fest?!  No, not that kind...get your minds out of the gutter!  Sickos.

(source)

Anyway.  Here goes my letter to me:

Dear Erin,

I just want you to know that I think you're pretty great.  I mean, sure you've got some flaws and a few things you need to work on, but overall?  You're pretty freakin rad.  That's right.  You just said "rad."  Random funny words are your specialty, and it makes me laugh.  Which means, it makes you laugh.  You're pretty good at laughing at yourself.  That's definitely a good thing.  You don't take yourself too seriously - if you're walking down the street and you trip and nearly fall and break your face, you get up, dust off, and crack up.  Which makes the strangers on the street who witnessed your fall and attempted to hold in their laughter feel way more comfortable with busting up right in your face.  Cuz you know it's what they wanted to do in the first place - laugh at you. 

You have a really good people-barometer, where you can suss out the mood of a room and adjust your behavior accordingly.  People quickly feel comfortable around you.  You're a hugger, but you can pretty easily read if someone isn't a hugger.  So you offer up a high five instead.  You love kids, but you're not one to randomly walk up to a kid and start petting it.  You understand boundaries, and - in this day and age - that's pretty awesome.

You have a mind like a sponge.  You have an uncanny ability to remember song lyrics, people's faces, and actors/actresses.  I mean, people actually call you to say "Remember that actress in that movie?  She's in that other movie.  What's her name again?"  And you get it!  You also remember random facts about things.  Like the difference between cachaca and rum.  And what someone was wearing the first time you met him/her. 

You like to learn new things and enjoy listening/reading the news.  You devour books. 

You have an enormous heart, and pour everything in it into your relationships.  You just want people to feel happy.  And good about themselves. 

And that's enough.  Tooting your own horn is not something you've ever been good at.  You're humble.  Usually.

Happy Birthday, Erin! 

30 Days of Truth - Day 29

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Do the size of my butt and gut count?  No?  Oh, alright, fine.  *stomps feet*

I need a better poker face.

(source)

No, not that kind of poker face.  I need to stop showing my emotions so easily.  Especially my disgust/annoyance/frustration.  Especially at work.  I roll my eyes.  I huff.  It's bad. 

Ok.  So every day, at 10am, I am forced to sit in discharge rounds with the nurses, nurse case managers, and residents to discuss every single patient on the floor.  The theory of these rounds is fantastic - to discuss every patient's current needs and to start their discharge planning.  On paper, it's a great idea.  In practice, however, they're a big freaking mess.  I won't go into specifics, but it gets really old.  Really quickly.  And that shows on my face.  And I know that people notice it.  And I don't like it.  I need to hide that better. 

But I do it in my personal life, too.  If something upsets me I noticeably react.  I used to be really good at just letting things roll off my back.  I don't know what changed or when it changed, but I am becoming very reactionary in my old age.  And I don't like it.  I need to hide that better, too. 

So that's what I hope to work on.  I need to harness my chi. 

Simple As Do-Re-Mi

Oh, hello, bandwagon.  Mind if I join you?

(source)

A: Age:  32 in 4 days.

B: Bed size: Queen

C: Chore you hate: Bathroom.  I hate cleaning the bathroom.  Matt and I tend to split the chores, and I will offer to clean the entire rest of the house if he will just do the bathroom.

D: Dogs: Not yet.  Some day.

E: Essential start to your day: 5-10 minutes of cuddle-time.  Then Morning Edition on NPR.

F: Favorite color: Green

G: Gold or silver: Silver

H: Height: 5'3"

I: Instruments you play: I took piano lessons when I was younger, and always actually loved playing.  Matt has a keyboard, so occasionally I'll play around on that.

J: Job Title: Social Worker

K: Kids: Not yet.

L: Live: Abington, PA

M: Mom's name: Ginny

N: Nicknames: Matt calls me Honey or Cheeksie.  My mom calls me Wink.  And a large contingency of my friends calls me Emma.

O: Overnight hospital stays: Nada

P: Pet peeve: People who don't use turn signals.  And people who use "text speak."

Q: Quote from a movie: "Painted?" - Monsters, Inc.

R: Right- or left-handed: Right.

S: Siblings: One sister, Callie, 28.  Plus 2 step-sisters - Melissa and Heather - and a step-brother - John.

T: Time you wake up: My alarm goes off at 5:53am.  I get out of bed at 6:11am.  It has to be an odd number.  If I get out of bed on an even number, my day just isn't right.

U: Underwear: I like regular old bikinis.  Thongs just aren't comfortable; I don't care what anyone says.

V: Vegetables you dislike: Lima beans.  I love everything else.  I'm obsessed with vegetables.

W: What makes you run late: Me.  I'm just late by nature.

X: X-rays you've had: Teeth, shoulder (tendinitis), chest (I had such severe gastritis once, I thought I was having a heart attack; the x-ray tech told me I had a beautiful heart), and a brain MRI (migraines are fun!)

Y: Yummy food you make: Probably one of the favorite things I've ever made was a meal I just made a few weeks ago - chicken stuffed with prosciutto, mozzarella, spinach, and basil, sauteed in EVOO and white wine, topped with a basil and honey mustard sauce.  Yummm...

Z: Zoo animal: Tigers.  Especially white tigers.

30 Days of Truth - Day 28

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I admit it.  I've got the fever.

Yep.  I've got the baby fever.  I can't help but smile when I see a baby.  I might also stare a little.  It might appear to be a little creepy, even.  But I swear, it's just cuz my womb is screaming, "Hello!  It's time!"  But my logical side is still winning the war here.  Cuz though I've got baby fever, I know that we're not quite ready.  We still want to be just married for a little while.  We have traveling we want to do before babies arrive.  So our plan is to wait until next spring.  We're planning our trip to Italy for May, and after that it's time to get down to bid'ness. 

That doesn't really answer this question though, does it?  So if we got pregnant right now, we'd be a little shocked and [I'm supposed to be honest on this thing, right?] maybe a little disappointed, but we'd also be excited.  While our preference would be to wait a year or so, fate is a fickle thing, and if it decided to give us a baby earlier than we expected, well, ok then.  I've always said, "I'm a lover not a fighter" (in the immortal words of the King, Michael Jackson), and that definitely is the case when it comes to fate. 

Almost time!

We finally got an email from our photographer - our album is done, our enormous print is framed, and our disc of photos is ready to go!  Now we just have to go pick them up.  Unfortunately, we're not planning to be in Hershey anytime soon.  But my parents are coming down to see us next weekend for my birthday, and they're going to pick everything up for us!  I'm so excited!  Mostly because I can't wait to finally hang our prints, but also because I can't wait to finally start my recaps for you!  And to put the pictures up on facebook.  And to order them for our "regular" album.  Ok, so I'm just really excited to get my hands on them!!!

30 Days of Truth - Day 27

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Our home.  Our home is a symbol of our relationship, our happiness, our hopes and dreams, and our plans for our future.  Our house is a save place.  It's a happy place.  It's where I can be myself.  It's where our love has taken root.  It is my favorite place to be. 

30 Days of Truth - Day 26

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

(source)

I have definitely had rough times.  But I never thought about suicide.  Not seriously, anyway.  I mean, be honest, doesn't everyone, at some point, think about their own mortality?  Think about their funeral?  That's what I thought about.  I thought about who would come, who would be sad, etc.  It was at a very lonely time in my life.  But I never actually developed a plan or pictured myself doing anything to hurt myself.  Like I said on Day 7 and on Day 25, I have too many people in my life who love me.

30 Days of Truth - Day 25

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

First off, let me apologize for not posting this yesterday.  We recently found out that the hospital will be "closely monitoring" our internet usage at work, so all non-essential web-surfing has to be curtailed.  And I didn't get a chance to post when I got home because I didn't get home till 1am.  Last night, I crossed something off my bucket list.  Matt and I went to see Sir Elton John in concert!  The man, the legend...it was awesome.  Although I do have to admit that I was a little disappointed.  I guess he just recently put out a new album with another music legend, Leon Russell.  And apparently, last night Leon was in the area so he came to perform with Elton.  Had I been expecting it, it would  have been super-awesome.  But I wasn't, and I didn't know any of the new songs, and they played an 8-song set from the new album.  Needless to say, I was almost asleep by the end of the set.  And it was hard for me to get back into the Elton stuff when Leon left the stage.  But, I did, and I still managed to have a great time at the show.  I mean, it's Elton...how can you not?

ANYway.  Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Just kidding.  Kind of.

I'm alive because I have people who love me and let me know every day, in some small way, that they prefer that I'm alive.  I've never been one who likes to let people down or disappoint people, so...Seriously, though, I'm alive today because I have an amazing family, incredible friends, and a wonderful husband.  All of whom make all the shitty days in my life worth getting through.  Because on the other side of those awful, stressful, getting-yelled-at-by-doctors-and-threatened-by-patients days are those people.  Their smiles, their laughter, their wine, and their hugs.  That's why I'm alive today. 

30 Days of Truth - Day 24

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I often make cds for my sister.  She listens mostly to pop radio, so she misses out on all the other awesome music from the indie world.  So every now and then I'll put together a cd for her and call it her "music education" mix.  I love doing it.  I have a huge obsession with music and with finding music that speaks to my soul.  And I like to share that with people.

So, on that note, here is the latest in the "music education" series for my sister:

1. Kiss With a Fist - Florence + the Machine
2. Meet Me on the Equinox - Death Cab for Cutie
3. Rumour Has It - Adele
4. Half of Something Else - Airborne Toxic Event
5. Firework - Glee cast
6. Let's Get Lost - Beck and Bat for Lashes
7. There Is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
8. I Belong To You - Muse
9. Possibility - Lykke Li
10. Run - Vampire Weekend
11. Rococo - Arcade Fire
12. Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements
13. Roll Away Your Stone - Mumford and Sons
14. Raise Your Glass - Glee cast

Cuz no good mix is complete with the Glee cast.  These are all songs that I am absolutely loving at the moment.  Especially "Let's Get Lost," by Beck and Bat for Lashes.



*Just to clarify, I am not a Twihard.  I don't even get those movies.  Edward and Bella are almost as awkward as Rocky and Adrian.  I just think the soundtracks to New Moon and Eclipse are fantastic

30 Days of Truth - Day 23

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I think my one big regret in life is that I didn't study abroad.  I mean, I love to travel.  I love to learn.  Why would I not have taken the opportunity to learn and travel, simultaneously?  Such a dummy. 

On another note, a big happy happy birthday to my little sister!  28 years old today.  I honestly can't believe it.  Love you, Sissy!!

Playing with our Care Bears.  Ages?  I'm gonna guess 7 and 3?

New Year's Eve.  Gangsta

My MOH and other BFF.

30 Days of Truth - Day 22

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

(source)

I wish I hadn't wasted all my money in Pittsburgh.  When it came time to getting my student loans for grad school, I took the full amount they offered.  Way over what was necessary to pay my tuition.  I used the remainder of the money to pay my rent, and then any extra money I made at my part-time job, I spent frivolously.  So when my classes were done and it was time to decide what to do after graduation, I was forced to face reality - I was broke.  I had spent and charged myself into a big hole.  A hole that was only going to get bigger once the grace period for paying back my loans was over - $31,000 bigger.  YIKES.  I had to go back home and live with my parents.  I really didn't want to do it.  I was in love with Pittsburgh and my life there.  I had made 2 amazing friends and I really wasn't ready to leave them.  But I had to do it.  Without the "income" from the loans and now having to pay back the loans, there was no way I could afford to stay.  So I moved back to Hershey and left the life I had created in Pittsburgh. 

Pittsburgh was the first time I really made a life of my own.  I went there by myself, knowing no one.  I had no friends, no family - no safety net whatsoever.  Not only did I overcome that fear of being totally on my own, but I also faced and dealt with my PTSD.  I was so proud of my life in Pittsburgh.  And I hated having to leave it.  So that's what I wish I hadn't done - wasted my money and forced myself to give up that life.

My BFF is Awesome

So, probably, by the "standards" of the general public, I have a pretty unconventional best friend.  Why?  Well, he's my ex-boyfriend.  People don't really seem to get the whole thing.  And that's ok.  We totally understand why it's weird for people.  I mean, doesn't everyone, at the end of some relationship say, "I hope we can still be friends?"  It might not last long, or it might not happen at all, but I feel like everyone at some point has uttered those words mid-break-up-discussion.  For Justin and I, it worked.  And it has continued to work for us.  It hasn't always been easy, like right after we broke up and I was devastated, or when he had a girlfriend who hated me (I think she hated the idea of me, actually, because she never even bothered to get to know me).  And things have gotten confusing, like when he invited me to go to Maui with his family and we got, um, swept away by the romance of it all (I mean, hello, we're on Maui, on the beach, with those sunsets....?).  But we've pushed through it and managed to figure it out and every time we come out on top, close as ever.

Here we are, 6 years ago, in Maui

He's married now, to a girl who I absolutely adore.  She's the perfect match for him and I see how truly happy he is, which makes me like her even more.  Her mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer and is starting chemo.  So Justin, being the awesome kind of guy he is, shaved his head.

You have to understand.  When I first met him, his hair was long (I tried to find a picture but have been unsuccessful so far).  Like, almost to his shoulders.  It was long and thick and wavy and beautiful, and when we were dating, I was obsessed with it.  One day, he cut it, and I actually cried.  He's kept it short since (which was 11 years ago now).  Until this week, when he shaved it to show solidarity with his new mother-in-law.  He is seriously 7 shades of awesome, and I just love him.

30 Days of Truth - Day 21

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Look.  Fight or not, a friend is a friend.  As far as I'm concerned, unless it's an earth-shattering, friendship-ending, "you-slept-with-my-husband" kind of fight, no fight is big enough to not be there for a friend in his/her time of need.  I can't even remember the last time I got into a big fight with a friend.  No, wait...yes, I can.  It was in college.  Even though I was so mad at her that I was pretty sure I hated her and wanted her to disappear from my life, I definitely would've been by her side had something terrible happened.  Lord knows I can hold a grudge with the best of them, but if something like that happened, even I could forgive a grudge and go be there.  That's what friendship is. 

30 Days of Truth - Day 20

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Well, let's see.  I am a girl who likes a drink now and then.  Matt and I like to try different wines and experiment with different beers.  I've become a fan of the dirty martini (preferably with blue-cheese-stuffed olives).  We even make our own wine (we brewed a special batch as our wedding favors) and Matt's recently started brewing his own beer (he's in the process of making a chocolate stout!).   I think alcohol, to a point, is perfectly acceptable.  But it's a pretty slippery slope.  And I worry about some of our friends on that slope.

Drugs?  Well, that's just something that I'm not on board with.  Sure, I smoked a little pot in my day.  I could probably count the number of times I got high on one hand.  And I never liked it.  It just made me sleepy.  I never had the desire (or the guts) to try anything stronger than that.  I had friends who got into coke, and it changed them.  I had a few friends who popped pills, and I never approved of it.  And I knew of a couple people who got into heroin.  That was scary.  But yeah, I've never really understood the draw of drugs.  It just seems like too much of a risk to me.  Too much can go wrong.  And addiction is not a place I'd ever want to try to crawl out of.

House Tour, Part 4

Here's where I'm going to show you some of my favorite things about our house.  What I think really makes it "us" and some of my favorite features.

First up, my reading nook.  I already showed you thjis picture, but I really love this part of the house.  I curl up in here sometimes with a book and my iPod and just shut the world off.  Or I'll crawl in and just are at the picture of paradise (actually, a picture of a palm tree on a beach in St. Thomas, taken by my sister).  I love it here.

Next, our wood-burning stove.  This sits in our back room, which the previous owners added but didn't insulate very well.  And the heat doesn't get out to this part of the house very well.  So it is consistently at least 5 degrees colder than the rest of the house.  But we light this baby up and it heats up the entire room.  It's wonderful.  I also love the two shelves we put on either side of the stove.  They hold pictures of us, our siblings, and Matt's cousins.

Next, the Rocky wall.  I already showed you this, briefly, but here is a better shot of it.  I told you of our love for Rocky here.  So when we had this corner of the room that was blank, I decided to make it into a Rocky "shrine" for Matt.  It holds his movie poster from the original Rocky, plus 3 framed photos - a picture of us with the Rocky statue, a picture from the first time I took him to watch Rocky on the Art Museum steps, and a picture of us at Victor Cafe, which is the restaurant that Stallone used as Adrian's in the 6th movie.  It also has his miniature replica of the Rocky statue and the Matchbox replica of Rocky's car.

This is a print I bought for Matt after the wedding.  I found it on Etsy.

This wall is essentially our travel log.  It holds pictures from vacations we've taken together.  Starting at the top, moving clockwise: Boone Plantation, SC; Venice, Italy; Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain; Cape Cod, MA; on top of Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, France; Legare-Waring House, SC; and in the center is a pub in Dublin, Ireland.  We're planning to add a picture from our honeymoon, we just haven't gotten there yet.

Next is this print.  My sister and her husband got it for us for Christmas one year.  They found it at an arts fair in Baltimore, near their home.  They initially discovered the artist because he had a print of a sign noting the neighborhood in Baltimore where they live.  Then they found this print, and bought it for us.  I love it.  It's right at the top of our first set of stairs, so you can't miss it when you come upstairs.

Our clawfoot tub.  I touched on it when you I showed you our bathroom, but I really really love our tub.  It's wonderful for taking baths.  And, I mean, it's a clawfoot tub.  That's just awesome.

Last but not least, our wine glasses.  We've collected many over the years.  Chaddsford Winery, Linganore Winery, and Truro Winery; Disney glasses; cut crystal; Philadelphia glasses; Europe glasses; and, my favorite, our Peacock feather champagne flutes, the original inspiration for our entire wedding theme.

So that's it.  My favorite things.  I love how our house has come together.  We've worked really hard on making it a home that reflects both of us, and I think we've done well.  There's always work to be done, of course, but it's a place we love to call home.

30 Days of Truth - Day 19

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I don't really have a religion, per se.  I mean, I suppose I'd be considered Lutheran, as that is the religion of my mother and the religion of the church that I do attend, on the rare occasions that I attend.  But do I really believe in the teachings of that religion?  I don't really know, to be honest.  I did not grow up going to church, like so many of my friends.  I know the basics - Jesus Christ was born on Christmas, in a manger in a stable in Bethlehem; he died on Good Friday and rose from the dead on Easter Sunday.  But, for example, when I was skimming through the reading group discussion guide for Water For Elephants and they said that Jacob's story mirrored the Bible story of Jacob...yeah, I have no idea what they're talking about.  I don't know those stories.  And, honestly, I think I turned out pretty great.  Matt and I have talked about finding a church so that we'll have somewhere to take our kids.  He thinks it's important because it'll teach them about sinning and all the stuff he grew up with in the Catholic Church.  He says when he was growing up, he didn't do bad things because he was told he'd go to Hell if he did.  I don't like that.  I disagree with those reasons.  I didn't go to church but I knew right from wrong and I knew that doing bad things came with consequences.  I want to find a church, but not to teach our kids about sinning.  I just think that church provides a sense of community and stability.  So...it's a work in progress.

As for politics, I think I'd mostly consider myself Democrat.  There are definitely issues where I lean more conservative, if not flat-out Republican.  But for the most part, I find myself falling on the liberal side of the line.  I think that the level of fighting that has been happening recently in politics is terribly upsetting.  It's fighting for the sake of fighting, not for the sake of an issue.  Republicans are opposing Democrats' ideas (and vice versa) just because they're Democrats', not because they're "bad" ideas.  It's got to stop.  This country is in a bad way, and all this fighting that's happening is not going to make things any better. 

So that's where I am.  Religion and politics.  They're sticky subjects, of course.  And I don't think anyone ever agrees 100%.  But I think if you're going to discuss it, you should be an adult about it and accept that people are going to disagree with you.  And just deal with it.

30 Days of Truth - Day 18

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Pro.  Not just because I think it's really actually the right thing, but also because none of the arguments against it make any sense to me. 

"The purpose of marriage is procreation."  Uh, so what about all those couples who don't want kids?  Or the ones who can't have kids?  They're still allowed to get married.  What's the difference?

"Marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman."  What about someone who's had a sex change?  Or hermaphrodites?  What is a "man" or a "woman?" 

"Gay marriage will destroy the sanctity of marriage."  Oh, you mean more than Britney Spears, who gets married for 54 hours to a childhood friend in Las Vegas?  Or Elizabeth Taylor, who's been married, like 17 times? IMHO, that's a blatant mockery of the institution of marriage.

"It's unnatural/dirty."  Whatever.  You and your wife/husband get up to some nasty shit in your own bedrooms, admit it. 

So, yeah.  Marry on, my LGBT friends.  I hope you love it as much as I do.

30 Days of Truth - Day 17

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

(source)

I was assigned this book in grad school.  It changed. my. life.  I read it while I was in the throes of dealing with the lingering anxiety and fear from being raped.  I had been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was going through exposure therapy with my counselor at the University Counseling Center.  I was sad and scared and suffering.

Viktor Frankl's book taught me that I shouldn't be ashamed or hide from my feelings.  It taught me that to be afraid is ok.  And to suffer is human.  Suffering lets us know that we're alive.  And reminds us that there's something better to live for.  Because if you can suffer and look beyond that, that shows great strength. 

So that's what I did.  I started looking to the other side.  I started trying to find the good things in my life - the good memories and the good things I hoped to do with my life.

And that made all the difference.

Bad Week

(source)

This has been a rough week for me.  Emotionally, Iv'e been kind of all over the map.  Some pretty high highs, and some pretty low lows.  And yeah, it's only Thursday.

I have this patient.  25 years old.  Came in for drug withdrawal.  Had a seizure in the ER due to drug withdrawal.  He has a pretty extensive medical and surgical history.  He was taking LOTS of pain medication (all prescribed by a "doctor" who should be fired and then shot, IMHO).  Said "doctor" made him an addict.  When his most recent prescription ran out, he couldn't fill it.  He went into detox.  Rapid, unsafe, and painful detox.  So his family brought him to our hospital.

He's tired of being addicted.  He wants help.  He wants to go to detox and drug rehab.  He's a really sweet kid who got mistreated by a "doctor" who wanted his money.  His family is supportive and also wants him to get the right tratment.  So I contacted his insurance company (well, the county funding agency, since he has no insurance).  They tell me that the county will not pay for detox for him because it'll take too long.  They'll send him to rehab with a methadone maintenence program (MMP).  I explain (nay, insist) that he doesn't want maintenance, he wants to be done with it.  Completely.  I'm basically told "tough shit."  Oh, and get him off the benzos before you call us back.  Bottom Hit #1.

So we tapered his benzos.  In the meantime, the family is getting more and more anxious.  I keep reassuring them that once he's medically stable, we'll do everything we can to get him into a good rehab program.  They're not crazy about the MMP but they'll take what they can get.

Benzo taper done.  I call his insurance back.  I'm told, "Why didn't you call us when you started to detox him?"  I reply, "Uh, I did.  Last week.  And you told me to get him off the benzos and you'd help me send him to rehab.  We did that.  He's ready to go."  I'm told, "He has to go to [x-facility]."  I reply, "He went to [x-facility] 2 years ago and was worse coming out than he was going in."  I'm basically told "tough shit."  Bottom Hit #2. 

Also, they require ID to approve the transfer.  His wife can't find his driver's license, but his mom has a copy of his passport.  I'm told, "That's not good enough - it has to be a state-issued photo ID with his adress on it."  I say, "Can't we use his passport and a utility bill?  They can't find his wallet!"  I'm basically told "tough shit."  I'm also told, "You'll have to discharge him and he'll have to go to the DMV tomorrow to get a driver's license then call me."  Aaaaan Bottom Hit #3.

Where's the high, you ask?  This kid seriously wants help.  Like, seriously.  Do you have any idea how rare that is?  Usually patients like this want "help" because they need a place to stay.  Not him.  He's done with the methadone.  Over it.  And that makes me happy.  For him.  For his wife.  For his family.  Also, his family brought me this huge beautiful bouquet of roses yesterday.  I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.  It is extremely rare that we get thanked, let alone shown appreciation.  I'm not trying to play the martyr here, it's just a fact.  I knew that going into this profession - it's a thankless, exhausting, frustrating job.  But when you get a bouquet of roses and hugs from your patients...it makes all the other bullshit totally worth it.  So today?  I felt like giving those roses back.  I feel like I completely let this patient and his family.  I feel like a failure.

So...yeah.  Rough week.  St. Patrick's Day is usually when I knock back a Guinness or two.  Tonight, I'm thinking Bailey's on the rocks is sounding more my speed.  [I'd say Jameson, but I'm an enormous liquor weenie]  What are your plans for St. Patrick's Day?  Celebrating the Luck o'the Irish, or drowning your sorrows (like a true Irishman)?

30 Days of Truth - Day 16

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Ignorance and intolerance.  Look, I'm a social worker.  Which means that, by nature, I'm pretty tolerant of other lifestyles, cultures, beliefs, etc.  Working in a hospital, where we encounter those different things on a day-to-day basis, I believe that we should all be equally tolerant and forgiving.  We should all be able to turn the other cheek when something is different.  When something is "weird."  When something doesn't match our sense of "normal." 

Apparently, some of my colleagues don't agree.  At least once a day, I am brought to frustration, anger, and - sometimes - fury over comments of the people I work with.  Jokes about transgendered individuals.  Rude remarks about people of different cultures.  Ignorant statements about people with mental health problems (or mental health in general, really).  And then what makes me really angry, is the "sympathy" they give for people who can actually help their issues - like not following through with doctors visits or not filling prescription. 

I think that all hospital staff (even social workers, though I think you'd find that we tend to be more educated and tolerant than others) should have to go through sensitivity training.  So that I'm not forced to listen to comments like "You know, lots of people in the Philippines have sex changes.  Ooh!  Look at John!  He's trying to think, 'Did I ever date one?'"  Yeah, you guys.  That was an actual comment made by an actual person.  That conversation quickly disintegrated into "My friend said that in the Philippines, they ride around on mopeds with goats strapped on."  "Ooh, so maybe the goat is the boyfriend!"  Yup.  That's what I have to deal with.  Every day.   If people would just educate themselves on what other cultures are like and how other people live, I wouldn't hear things like "So is it a boy to a girl?  Does he still have his thing?  I don't understand how they live like that." 

Sometimes, I want to punch people.

House Tour, Part 3

You've seen the downstairs and the upstairs.  Now let's take a walk around outside, shall we?  First of all, here is our little abode.  I realized I hadn't shown you our actual house yet!

On to the gardens.  You guys, I am so not a gardener.  My mom, yes.  My step-dad, absolutely.  Me, not so much.  We have a houseplant that probably would've died by now if Matt wasn' wattering it regularly.  I'm awful.  So when I invited my parents down to help us garden, I said, "I need hearty plants that I can't kill."  In the front, we have a huge old oak tree.  It's one of things I love about the house.  Except that the yard is a bumpy, patchy mess because of the roots.  But that's a whole other issue.  The tree is beautiful.  The previous owner built up a little patch around it and filled it with ivy, but in the Spring, it also gets tulips and daylillies.  Pretty.

Behind the tree, right in front of the house, we have some azaleas and a rose bush.  All of this was there when we moved in, and I left it alone.  Though we're thinking of tearing it out.  One of the azaleas is diseased, and the rose bush grows kind of sparsely and not very nicely.  And then there are some huge bushes that we definitely want to tear out.  They're big and they block the view from our front porch, where we have a set of rocking chairs and a small table.

Around the side, we have 2 humongous rhododendron bushes.  They are beautiful, and I wish you could see them better from the street.  Also left by the previous owners.  I planted a Stargazer lily, because it's my favorite flower.  And this is also where we have our vegetable garden.  Our staples are tomatoes, basil, and mint (fresh mojitos, yum!), and last year we very sucessfully grew cucumber and banana peppers, too.  We usually do green peppers, too, and had great results one year, but terrible results last year.  We'll try them again this year, though.

Our first year, we laid the black tarp down to cut down on the weeding.  It was a huge hassle, and since the cucumbers vine, we took it up last year.  Didn't really make a difference.  And I found I kind of liked the weeding.

Our very first pepper! 

Around the back, we have a beautiful Kousa dogwood.

I built that retaining wall myself.  I know, major props!

And then the back garden.  This is where we needed help from my mom and stepdad (Jeff).  First of all, when we bought the house, the garden looked like an overgrown jungle. No, no...really;

Scary, right?  After a weekend of roto-tilling and tearing out weeds and flowers and what-not, Matt and I got it completely cleaned out.  Then came Mom and Jeff and their glorious plants of wonder.  They brought down plants from their own garden and we spent an afternoon transplanting them into ours.  You have to understand, they have an amazing garden.  And they love it.  They actually tried to buy 2 lots in their neighborhood - one for the house and one for the garden.  [The lots aren't "zoned" for that, according to the township.  Not zoned to look awesome?!  Whatevs!]  Anywho.  After a full day of planting and tambarking, we ended up with this:

Oh yeah, we have a gnome!  The previous owners left him behind, can you stand it?!

Ok, those photos are from various times througout the year.  But you get the picture.  Canna lilies, calla lilies, irises, black-eye susans, sunflowers, lilies, a butterfly bush, dahlias.  Everything looked incredible.  But, like I said, I need low-maintenence plants.  Cannas and callas are not low-maintenence.  In order for them to survive the winter, you're supposed to dig them up and bring them indoors.  We took a chance and left them there.  The cannas didn't make it, but the callas survived last year.  We're crossing our fingers for a 3rd go around this year.  The sunflowers and dahlias are perennials and need to be planted every year.  We skipped the sunflowers last year, and the dahlias I planted didn't flourish.  We'll try them both again, though.

Oh, but the awesome-est part of our backyard?!  The hidden playhouse!  Tucked away into the big arbevita, the previous owners had built a little playhouse back there!  We painted the walls with chalkboard paint and put a couple of little chairs and box full of chalk and games out there.  Our friends' kids love it, and I can't wait to play with our kids in it!

I'm really proud of our gardens, and I hope that we continue to get better at this whole growing-things-that-live thing.